Dear Jessie,

I’m SO bored of my relationship. How do I dump him without breaking his heart?

– No Cruel Intentions

 

Dear No Cruel Intentions:

There is nothing more insulting to both you and your partner than staying in a relationship you have no interest in. Regardless of how you do it, you have to bite the bullet, rip the bandaid off, and just dump him already.

Dump them face-to-face

First, refrain at all costs from doing it via text message/over the phone. As easy as you think that might be for both parties involved, it’s worse than a slap in the genitals to him. Gather up the courage to breakup with him in person. Be sure to pick a spot that doesn’t hold much significance or positive memories for either of you; if you decide to meet at your favorite Italian restaurant, chances are you’ll never want to return no matter how amazing the cacio e pepe is.

Dump them gently but with confidence

Once you decide to meet and pick a place that is suitable for breaking up with someone (I’ll leave that up to your best judgement, but you definitely shouldn’t dump him in a McDonald’s), it’s time to figure out what to say. You don’t want it to sound too planned or scripted, so try to find the words that first come to mind with wanting to breakup with this person. However, avoid anything too negative: if the way he moans in bed really annoys you, do him a favor and keep that to yourself. As for nonverbal tips while doing the dump, don’t avoid eye contact completely. At least have the decency to look him in the eye for a second or two.

Dump and dart

Once he receives this news that the dump is official, there’s about two ways he will react: he’ll be calm and just walk away and you’ll wish each other the best of luck, or he’ll explode with anger/cry you a river/make a voodoo doll of you right then and there. If the first situation occurs, brava, you have successfully completed your breakup. If the latter happens, then you have my full approval to just stand up, walk to the nearest liquor store, and drown yourself in your favorite red wine.

 

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