Dear Cynthia,

My wife and I used to have the most insane sex when we first met but the sexual spark has dissolved ever since we got married. She literally hasn’t put out in months with no reasonable excuse. The cramps, headaches and neverending periods are getting old. I’m horny as f*ck and I literally have to jerk off every day just to get some release. I’m considering going to a massage parlor to get my rocks off before I explode. All my friends do it with no guilt whatsoever so why not? I wanted to find out if this is a form of cheating or If I’m completely off the hook since there’s no actual penetration involved.

Any advice would be appreciate as I’m up to my eyeballs in backed up splooge…

Rub My Knots


Dear Rub My Knots:

The good old “rub and tug” is a very loaded conversation. And I know the word “loaded” is a little sensitive for you right now, but in your situation it really is. You’re trying to find a super quick solution without really solving the problem. Let’s just say you decide to go through with the happy-ending. Sure, you’re going to feel so much better for the rest of the day, but what about in a week from now? Two weeks? A month?

If you and your wife continue to be in a sexless marriage and you don’t have a mature conversation about it, then you’re only going to resent her even worse. The sexual frustration will only heighten. And then, that one “innocent” happy-ending you got won’t seem like a huge deal anymore since you didn’t get caught. You’re feeling so good these days you might think, What else can I get away with here? This situation could become a gateway to further sexual encounters, like oral and penetration.

Not so happy-ending

I’m going to flip this whole situation around for you for a second, and I want you to think about it honestly. (There’s a lot of underlying breakdowns happening here, but let’s just keep it straight physical for a second.) What if your wife was getting a massage, too? And because she also has been dealing with the stresses of a sexless marriage and a lack of communication with you (which you’re both at fault for by the way), she decides that one mind-blowing orgasm is exactly what she needs? So she lets the guy masturbate her. Would you consider that just “a day at the massage parlor” because there was no real penetration involved? Or would you consider that cheating? See my point?

Happy-ending ever after

What needs to happen now is figuring out why you and your wife stopped having all that insane sex. When marriages go sexless, it isn’t just “because” out of nowhere. Usually it’s because one or both partners have stopped putting in the effort. If you stop talking to each other, if you aren’t each other’s best friend anymore, if you’ve let the stresses of real life take over the romance in your marriage, then guess what? You drift apart. You resent each other. You stop having sex.

Clearly, if you’re resorting to the question of whether or not to get a good handy from a massage parlor, something has definitely shifted in your marriage. If you want to return to having an insane sex life, it’s never going to happen by getting a quick-fix happy-ending. You need to talk to your wife. You need to reignite the sparks! And when you do, and you’re no longer up to your eyeballs in backed-up splooge, that happy-ending you once saw as being so thrilling and needed, will just seem really, really sad and boring in comparison to your rediscovered, hot AF sex life. Who needs a happy-ending when you can have a happy-all-the-time?


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