Dear Cynthia,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months now and we’ve taken things to the next level physically…oral sex not included. And that’s where I’m stuck. I’ve only given head once before and it was a pretty awful experience so I’m afraid I will either be terrible at it or it will turn me off and make me resent him for feeling pressured into it. On the other hand, let’s be real, if he’s not getting it from me he’ll eventually get it from someone else…am I right?

Sincerely,

BJ Phobe

Dear BJ Phobe:

To overcome any kind of fear or obstacle in life, you must first acknowledge it. That much you’ve done already, so you’re at a good starting off point to attacking the situation head-on (literally and figuratively). But you don’t want to surrender to fear without trying to get over it, do you?

With that being said, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. When you’ve just started a new relationship and you’re amidst the exploration of your new-found sexuality in general, there are a lot of fears and insecurities that come into play. After all, sex is just as much mental and emotional as it is physical, and I think a lot of people forget that fact. And in your situation, it really is the perfect storm. You’re already having flashbacks to that one terrible experience (mental). You’re afraid you’ll resent him afterwards (emotional). You think it’ll turn you off (physical). And to top it all off, you just really, really want to be good at it. The pressure is real.

Blowjobs can be scary

Like, I get it. Blowjobs can be scary. It’s like diving face-first into another planet. I mean, a lot can happen down there, and I know you’ve been psyching yourself out about most of them already. But girl, it has been six months. Clearly your boyfriend has been pretty patient with you and what you’ve been comfortable doing sexually so far. So, are you really going to live in fear of blowjobs forever? Are you really going to risk him finding pleasure elsewhere because you are so unwilling to even give it a try? This is when I want you to challenge your way of thinking, to turn this whole predicament into something exciting. Here’s what I suggest…

Do something else with your mouth first

You need start first with this lovely little word you’ve probably heard of before called communication. Aha! Shocking, I know. But, no matter how long you’ve been dating—days, months, years—your relationship will never prosper if you don’t talk to each other. And you need to talk to your boyfriend about this. He’s very well aware of what’s going on. He probably just doesn’t want to seem like an asshole and bring anything up that might make you feel uncomfortable. But you need to bring it up. He’ll appreciate the effort, and it’ll only make you closer in your relationship by getting things out in the open. From there, you can decide when you’re ready to take the next step. But you have to at least try. Like I said before, you can’t live in fear forever.

Forget the past & look ahead

Then, you need to erase your mind of any negative sexual experiences from the past. Just because you gave one or two or however many bad blowjobs in your life, doesn’t mean that you suck forever at giving head. This is a new relationship. A new chemistry. And you need to stop setting yourself up for all these worst-case scenarios.

Get rid of the idea that giving blowjobs is “giving in.” I know the word “job” is involved here, so the idea of it sort of feels like work, but what if things go really well? Did you ever consider that? Did you ever think that maybe it’ll turn you on while giving head, realizing that you’re giving such wild pleasure to someone you share such strong feelings with? Crazy to think on the flip side, isn’t it?

And that brings me to my next point—because I don’t want you to go exploring the infinite abyss of the nether regions unprepared and still a little unconfident. So, get ready to do your homework.

Bananas deserve blowjobs too

There’s a great book I love called “Blow Him Away: How to Give Him Mind-Blowing Oral Sex” by Marcy Michaels. Get it. Now. And study it. Read the whole thing. Highlight the best parts that you think will help you. Take notes. Try a few licks and swirls on a banana if you want to. And then you need to watch porn. The visual will be very helpful, but I also don’t want you to get intimidated. (Some of these girls could probably swallow a horse, so just try to ignore that hardcore stuff.) I want you to focus on using some of their techniques, just to get a few ideas when it comes to your hands and the dance of your tongue. Even the queens of blowjobs have to practice. Start easy. Have a glass of wine first.

I know this is a lot of info to take in I just don’t want you to go through life with the nickname BJ Phobe! I want you to turn that frown upside-down, girl! I want you to continue to challenge your way of thinking about sex. I want you to embrace your sexuality. And I want you to stop taking it so seriously. You’re in a relationship with someone you trust, after all. And if things don’t work out with it and you’re really uncomfortable, then have another chat with your boyfriend and decide what compromise the two of you can make to both be happy.

 

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