Dear Cynthia,

Most people would agree that I’m not a total a-hole. I think I’m a pretty good guy, so this isn’t about being lazy or selfish or finding an excuse to embarrass my gf. I can’t go down on her anymore and it’s super gross to even talk about. Her cooch stinks and tastes like rotten sardines mixed with cottage cheese. Sounds harsh but it is what it is why sugar coat it.

How can I help her? I don’t know how and I’m also kinda pissed that she hasn’t figured it out herself. I want to tell her and get it over with but I’m such a chicken sh*t I just can’t do it. But I can’t force myself to eat it anymore either. I REALLY don’t want to hurt her feelings but every time she blows me which is almost every night she expects me to reciprocate so I literally dread foreplay bc it also takes her forever to orgasm. Just tell me how to fix the problem!

Stankface

 

Dear Stankface:

You’re definitely not a total a-hole. Most heartless assholes would have no problem being straight-up, brutally honest to a chick whose smelly V doesn’t taste too delicious. Most guys out there wouldn’t give a sh*t about how mortifying it might be for her. But the fact that you’re sparing your girlfriend this embarrassment and want to figure out a more mature way to handle it besides verbally vomiting all over her really says a lot about your character.

It’s ok to be frustrated, btw! If you’re getting head daily, as you mentioned, then the pressure of reciprocating oral must be a constant headache for you. It’s like you’re so excited to be getting all this action, but at the end you’re doomed to a smelly vagina that is a complete turn-off, when what you really want to do is return the favor. All hopes of it going to be like taking a trip to Pleasantville are lost. I understand. I have a few things to suggest to you, in hopes that conditions improve. If they don’t (this could be a health-related issue), you better buck up, be as sweet as possible, and tell her the truth.

Smelly Vagina Fix #1

You said before that usually she’s the one to go down on you first. Right? What if you tried flipping the order around? What if you tried going down on her first? Why, you wonder? Because the hotter a vagina gets, and the more hormones fluctuate, the more smelly odors it will produce. So while she’s busy going down on you (and I’m sure this will boost your ego), she’s getting all hot and bothered between her legs because she’s getting horny and her body is reacting. If you tried pleasuring her first, though, I’m wondering if there’s a chance that some of those smells might not be as crazy intense just yet. Definitely worth a try, right?

Smelly Vagina Fix #2

Now let me ask you this: Have you ever taken foreplay into the shower? And I know what you’re thinking. How am I going to suggest that and not be all awkward about it? Easy. Don’t look at it like you’re taking such an abrupt turn in the flow. Look at it like you’re taking foreplay to the next level. And she doesn’t have to know anything about your ulterior motive.

Just tell her how much it turns you on to see her naked and wet and all lathered up like that. Say you want to seduce her by touching every part of her body, getting her squeaky clean so you can get her all dirty again. Then, with your hands all soapy (antibacterial is a good choice), reach down and touch her until she’s washed clean. Once you’re both rinsed off, this is when you get on your knees. Do it in the shower, or, if you really want to make sure that things are in better by shape now, take her to the bedroom and dive in.

Smelly Vagina Fix #3

The last option is flavored lube. This is a fun choice to play around with, but it’s mostly going to change the flavor of her goods so it might not totally take care of the smelly cat itself. Maybe it’s a good solution for this round and the next few times to come, but it isn’t really solving the problem. I know you’re anxious to try anything at this point, but do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship licking a kiwi-strawberry-flavored vagina? My guess is probably not.

Look, this is an uncomfortable situation. But honesty is always the best policy, just as long as you’re not being an asshole about it. All you have to do is preface the conversation with all the amazing things you like about her. Then, slowly ease into telling her that you’re concerned something might be a little off down there. Suggest that maybe it’s a good idea to have things checked out. Prepare for her to be upset and embarrassed. (No girl wants to be told she has a smelly p*ssy.) But just be there. If you’re going to make this relationship work, you have to be able to talk about everything—from the good, to the bad, to the very ugly. And that’s something she’ll have to understand and respect.

 

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