Dear Christian,

The struggle is real. My wife has lost her flair for satisfaction. She ceases to get dressed up or even do her hair anymore. Most weekends she comes out in her sweats like we’re going out to the quickie mart for milk and eggs. Once a month she tries to put on her best face in the bedroom but she basically just lays there while I do all the work. She hardly puts any effort in whatsoever and I’m getting tired of the same old same old. I didn’t think once I got married my sex life would be officially over. At this point I don’t think I have any other choice but to just jerk off to porn or find a prostitute to satisfy my physical needs. What steps do you suggest before I start considering even more extreme options like marriage counseling?

-BlueBalls32

 

Dear BlueBalls32:

I can feel your pain as it’s not normal to go this long without full sexual release. It should be the bedrock of your relationship with your wife and without it you’ll lose that valuable pep in your step. A man’s sexual needs should be taken care of in order for him to perform outside the bedroom. If you don’t fix this issue soon you will start fucking up at work which could lead to getting canned. From there, everything goes downhill. First your house, then your wife (which might be a good strategy if you want out but not if you want to save your family), then your money.

Happy Wife, Happy Life

You should communicate with your wife and let her know how you feel. A woman’s emotions and sensitivity are very frail things so you should be careful how you approach this situation. She needs to understand that you want to improve your sex life and get it back to how it was when you guys were banging 5x a week.

Your Wife, Only Better

Buy her sexy lingerie and treat her to a spa date so she feels confident the next time you guys are trying to make each other’s toes curl. Another suggestion would be to spice things up with Kama Sutra books or watching porn together. If that’s not her thing, try to see what turns her on the most so you can rock her world in the sack. Whether it’s sex toys or a hot threesome, you guys both need to work at it because that’s what marriage is at the end of the day; a second full-time job! I would also recommend a strip club. Women can sometimes be turned on and be inspired by the sight of other beautiful naked women and, if you’re lucky enough, perhaps she’ll want one of them to participate in your next ménage à trois.

It’s Not Just About You, Man

If you have kids get a sitter and start going out on a regular basis. Buy her flowers and surprise her with gifts. Women need to feel loved, appreciated and most of all desired. They love spontaneous adventures and feeling cherished by a strong man, so you might have to hit the gym yourself if you want your wife at her best. Marriage is a two-way street and nowadays, with all the feminist talk, men have to do more than ever just to get a sympathy fuck from time to time. Once your wife starts getting all these necessary things, you might get a surprise BJ here and there but don’t press your luck cowboy!

 

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