My Guy Won’t DTR (Define The Relationship). Should I DHA (Dump His Ass)?

Dear Lea,

I’ve been seeing a guy for about 8 months now but every time I try to DTR (define the relationship) or put a label on it he says we don’t need one. I mean I know we are not seeing other people so why won’t he just call me his girlfriend?

Relationship Game Over


Dear Relationship Game Over:

Sometimes people don’t need a title to have a healthy relationship. They know they are both exclusive to one another and don’t need a label to define things. Most times though, if two people are in a happy and healthy relationship, they define it. If you are with someone who makes you happy and you know that there is something you can do to make them happy, then why wouldn’t you do it? It seems to me that defining this relationship and putting a label on it would make you happy. If you two have been dating and spending time together for that past eight months then the big question is why can’t he oblige and make such a simple request come to fruition?

The answer is both simple, yet deeper than you think. As a person who has been on both sides of this situation, let me try to explain. I’ve learned that when someone wants to be with you, they will make it happen. One of my favorite quotes is:

“If something is important to you, you’ll find a way. If it is not, you’ll find an excuse.”

That quote applies to all things in life, not only relationships. Let me guess, every time you try to “DTR” he has an excuse. Maybe something along the lines of “why ruin a good thing?” or “if we are both happy, why do we need a label?” or maybe he doesn’t even try to come up with an excuse but just tries to deflect.

I once dated a guy for a few months. I thought I was the only girl he was talking to when I found out that he was talking to others. I didn’t want to mess things up but I got up the courage to finally tell him that I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship. He said, “You’re my number one.” Even though I was feeling emotional, I knew what that meant. I was his number one out of I don’t know how many girls. I wanted to be his only one and when he said he couldn’t give me that, I walked away. It definitely hurt my feelings that he couldn’t give me what I wanted, but I knew it was for the best. Two weeks later, I find out that he is “In A Relationship” on Facebook and he brought the girl to meet his family. In my case, he found an excuse and in this new girl’s case, he found a way and made her his girlfriend.

Put Yourself In His Anti- Relationship Shoes

On the flip side, I was recently in a relationship with someone who was perfect on paper, but I never felt that certain chemistry with him. We dated for about a month when he wanted to go out of town on vacation with me. He said that he only felt comfortable going out of town with me if we made it official – if we DTR’d and became boyfriend-girlfriend. He was nice, treated me like a princess and wanted to make things official with me, but I found every excuse not to. “I need more time”, “We should get to know each other better”, etc. Then I realized that if he was the right one or I really liked him, I would have been SO excited that he wanted me all to himself and wanted to make things official.

It’s a two way street, I’m sure at one point in your life you’ve met a perfectly fine guy who wanted to be with you but you weren’t exactly feeling it and maybe you kept him around just because you wanted to be with someone or thought you could develop more feelings.


The reason I’m telling you all of this, is I hope you can see that if he really wanted to be with you and define the relationship when you’ve brought it up multiple times, he would. So I’m sorry to say, but I think he’s just not that into you.

Instead of DTR you should be DTMFA (short for Dump That MotherF**** Already). I know it’s easier said than done but I think you’ll never really get what you want from him. It might be time to cut him loose and find someone who would jump at the chance to call you his girlfriend. Or just take some time off from dating and enjoy your fabulous self. Whatever you decide, remember that life is too short to be anything but happy.


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