Listen up, ladies because (as usual) I’ve got something important to say! I am, after all, sporting several growths between my legs that you are not, which means any word that parts my lips is inherently more profound (that’s a fancy word for meaningful) than what you might think you need to say. The growths I’ve mentioned also entitle me to that extra leg-space on planes, trains, and the like where I may or may not have to brush against your thigh in order to accommodate them–it’s not a power struggle or perversion sweetie, it’s just biology! So don’t let that little woman brain confuse you!

Now, on to the bigger–well, maybe not bigger than my bulge–point of this article. Being a male, I often get rejected by women who don’t seem to comprehend just how special and good for them I am. It’s surprising, I know, but the world is an unjust place! (You probably wouldn’t understand though.)

So, out of the goodness of my heart I’ve taken a moment of my incredibly valuable time to explain to you how one can appropriately reject my advances–compliments, really! Let the record show that in most circumstances and as a response to most compliments, rejection is not warranted, but if–being the emotional and irrational creature that you are by nature–you simply cannot control the impulse to deny me, I’m here to let you know the right way of doing it.

First, you should never say anything that could potentially wound my fragile ego. Do not insult me or say anything that could be misconstrued as an insult. Saying you’re simply “not physically attracted to me” will never do because I’m obviously an attractive guy. Your puny lie of a reject will ultimately fail.

Also, the words “no” and “thank you” just aren’t of proper use together here, and really the former shouldn’t enter the mix at all. Likewise you should watch your language in another respect (e.g. no cursing or unladylike choice phrases) or you might inadvertently encourage any witnesses to our little misunderstanding to think as poorly of me as I secretly do deep inside…

Second, you should always smile. Women look far prettier when they smile and if you are a woman who is going to deny herself my invaluable company and the status that comes with it, you should only do so if you are prepared to look more exceptional than I do on a daily basis. Really though, it’s just nice when a woman takes care of herself (by which, I really mean: makes sure she looks superficial enough for me to approach without being intimidated).

Third, acknowledge any shortcomings in yourself. For example, the fact that you’re jaded–likely, a result of dating or fiddling around with other men who obviously didn’t and couldn’t compare to me if you’d give me the chance I am due. There is, after all, no comprehensible reason you should reject me. Your urge to do so is really only indicative of some fault within yourself, some failure to really understand the situation as it is, or of course the single valid reason you might reject me: you’re already another male’s propert…partner.

Assuming you aren’t taken though, assuming you’re single, you should be open to at least some of my affections. I just think holding your hand, rubbing your knees or shoulders might make you feel more comfortable, therefore level-headed. I’m just trying to appreciate your beauty (which is the highest tribute to pay for the highest value in a woman) and help you to see that I really am a nice guy–the nicest! I am probably the best thing that will ever happen to you, actually…but only if you let me (happen to you, that is)!

Sigh. I fear all this may not get through to your little woman brain given the complexity of my language regarding these truly simple concepts…if you’re having difficulty grasping the rules of appropriate rejection, I can just simplify things for you further. Stick to this rule when considering rejecting a man: “Don’t do it.”

It’s better than causing offense. I mean, we men are accustomed–sorry, used to–women needing our forgiveness, but it gets tiring after a while and largely obstructs our ability to be our best man-selves.

So…The appropriate way to reject my advances is to recognize that they aren’t in fact undesirable, that you’re merely engaged in some feminine cognitive distortion if you suspect so, and then accept my invitations for “chilling,” my good-natured compliments to your rockin’ bod (“Bark, bark!”), and the tequila shots I’ve ordered for you at the bar. (No, I won’t be drinking them–wouldn’t want the alcohol affecting my “little misters” in the case you come to your senses about how great I am.)

Signed, God’s Gift