Dear Jessie,

My boyfriend cheated on me with a nasty hideous beast of a girl and my self esteem has been shot ever since. How do I get my mojo back?

Love,

Hot-or-Not

 

Dear Hot-or-Not:

First, I want to say sorry not sorry because clearly, this (hopefully ex) boyfriend of yours fucked over a real hottie. Second, if your boyfriend felt the need to cheat on you with a hideous girl, maybe he just has a fetish for non-attractive people, which is not your fault at all. I hope you said boy BYE and kicked his ass to the curb.

This is what you’re going to do to get your mojo back from your shithead boyfriend:

1.  You will not have a mourning phase, because mourning the loss of a grade-a fuckboy is not something girl boss women like us do.

2. Once you come to terms with the first step, you will instead spend a day pampering yourself: every wax imaginable, facial, massage, mani/pedi, even a makeover if you’re feeling it. Spending quality time with yourself is the key to loving yourself, which is what every woman needs to achieve in order to put herself out there again for a newer, bigger, better boyfriend.

3. You will also spend many hours of quality time with your vibrator. This is crucial.

4. The next day, when you’re feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, you will spend the day kicking ASS, whether it’s through yoga, pilates, spin, bootcamp class, running outside, hiking, kickboxing. In whatever way you find a physical release (other than sex) spend time sweating it all out.

5. Drink wine with your girlfriends and remind yourself how awesome you and your clique are.

6. And on the third day, you will buy yourself a hot new outfit, blow out your hair, bar hop with your girlfriends, and flirt until you can’t flirt anymore (or until you find the ultimate hottie to bring home).

And there you have it, the 6 commandments for getting your mojo back. No matter which way you interpret these steps, make sure that you’re focusing on bettering yourself for you, not for others and especially not for your old beast-loving boyfriend.

Though your situation is a downer, know that now you have the knowledge to find someone that’s good enough, both in the sheets and out, for the slaying queen that you are.

 

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