Hey Christian,

Not sure what this is, but maybe you can help me out. Recently, we hired this insanely sexy secretary chick *Nicole at my office. Hot blonde, big boobs, fat ass and dumb as a rock. I think she’s into me too but there’s just one little issue, I’m married and gotta make sure it doesn’t get back to my wife. I take my wedding band off every time she comes into my office so she has no idea that I’m married. I’m not sure she would flirt back if she knew let alone give up the beaver. My wife expects me home at a certain time and goes through my phone at night. I fantasize about this girl every night even when I’m banging my wife which is almost never. How the hell do I bang this broad without my wife finding out?

Sincerely,

Stan the Man

 

Dear Stan the Man:

Sounds like your wife has some trust issues. Why are you guys having such a bad sex life? Try examining your relationship and figure out how you can try to have a better marriage before it officially tanks. Marriage counseling could help but if you feel you’re done you could break it off with her before taking a swipe at the office slut.

My job is not to lecture you, however, but to tell you what you want to hear so you can come back for more you sick, twisted bastard. First it’s pretty easy to get laid by your secretary and get away with it if you have half a brain. Most men get caught because they don’t think things through and are careless in their prowess. Before you get caught with your pants down listen to these foolproof tips. (Note: These rules apply to any potential extramarital affair, not just the one you’re premeditating with the slutty secretary)

Secretary Sex Rule 1: Use Your Head

I don’t mean to sound repetitive but use your head stupid. Buy a bat phone and don’t put it somewhere she could easily find it. If you’re too cheap to buy a phone, download an app that will disguise your phone number. You can use this unless you have joint bank accounts and alert notifications that will let her know all the dirty things you’re texting back and forth.

Secretary Sex Rule 2: Cover Your Bases

After you start banging your secretary you might get overconfident which leads to being sloppy. One small flop or mistake will leave you on the street. Make sure you don’t leave any rubbers in the car, wash that makeup and perfume off before you walk into the house. Lastly, your schedule must be up to par. Once you start working late a few times a week the suspicions will rise. Women are like raccoons, if they smell something fishy they will think you’re up to no good and obsess how they can catch you and take half your money.

Secretary Sex Rule 3: Pay Cash

This is a BIG one Stan. Credit cards will be your downfall. It’s hard to argue against an American Express statement. If you and the secretary go to a motel, restaurant, bar, club, sex store, pay cash, always pay cash! This means there’s no proof so all you have to do is deny all allegations and hearsay. Credit card statements will also place you at the scene of the sex act. Anything that can get back to you will, so follow Murphy’s law and keep your dick out of trouble.

In summation, if you follow these tips you should fine, unless you get lazy and break any of these rules. You should also be careful this girl doesn’t fall for you because she could cause a lot of problems for you if she finds out you’re actually married. Before you shit where you eat consider the fact that you could lose your job if she claims sexual harassment then you lose both your job and your wife. Make sure she’s worth it before you blow not just your load but your entire life in the process.

P.S. Have a little respect for the ol’ ball & chain and at least wear a condom because, unless your wife is cheating on you too, it’s going to be hard to explain how she got those crabs.

 

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